Dyer Family Happenings

A.K.A. Mommy needs a place to write!

Today I am just mad — October 13, 2015

Today I am just mad

I am mad that I don’t have a full time job, with benefits and a paycheck substantial enough to make us comfortable again.

I am mad that the boys don’t get to be in preschool with other peers all day.

I am mad that we can’t afford our Gardner anymore (and haven’t had him in like a year). Our yard was beautiful and I miss that.

I am mad that my husband and I are like passing ships and the time we do get as a couple is so few and far between and usually filled with grown up stuff.

I am mad that I am mad. I shouldn’t be mad. We have a beautiful home and amazing kids and food in the fridge and clothes on our backs but I’m still mad.

And it’ll pass, it always does. But for right now I am just mad.

“doesn’t function well in her current life” — July 30, 2015

“doesn’t function well in her current life”

Physically, yes. Physical strength is what I’ve been relying on to get me from day to day. If I can just focus on that the rest will go away. My sadness, my jealousy, my emotional exhaustion, my endless want for “normal” things. It’ll all just go away if I make myself physically strong.

And I’ve been trying, and successfully have made myself physically stronger, all while exhausting myself to keep from dealing with my emotions. And it doesn’t work. The stronger I get physically, the weaker I become emotionally. I feel so broken, so fragile. I’m sensitive to the stupidest of things, eye rolls, deep breaths, comments. My patience is so small and I cry often. Sunglasses are my savior for that.

I see pictures of friends vacations with their kids and it kills me. (I’m excited for them and love seeing their pictures) but a vacation isn’t in the cards for us for so many reasons. Therapy schedules, money, time away, house sitters- that cost money, my husbands work, totally uprooting the kids schedule. And it sucks. And I am jealous, and it hurts so bad, because I’d love to just get away from all of the normal shit and see something different. A new perspective, see the boys in a new place, leave my house for more than a few hours. I just want to leave.

Instead I get up every morning and prepare for a full day. Therapy for the boys- both in the morning and afternoon, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, and then on certain days my paying gigs that start after I’ve put in close to a 12 hour day of being a mom and wife. And I just don’t want to do any of it.

A month ago the kids were making awesome progress. New words for Max, new sight words for Leo. Behaviors were simmering down. I somehow convinced myself that we’d grow out of needing help. That all of this autism stuff is just a right now thing, but in a year or so it’ll be good. They will have earned how to cope through things and we could be a normal family. And then they both had huge jumps back with behaviors. It hit me like a Mac truck- THIS IS FOREVER.

What the hell is wrong with me.

I know this is forever. I know that my kids are smart, but there are things that are going to be forever against them. Leo can’t handle transitions, changes, loud noises, a hairbrush brushing his head, smells. You can’t understand him when he gets excited or upset. To get him ready for a major change- like changing schools- which is happening in 19 days- a month before we have to start talking about it. And even at that, I’m trying to gear myself up mentally for the meltdowns that we are going to have with a change that big.

Max is learning words but it’s slow. I’m still convinced he can’t hear, and his repeat hearing evaluation is NOVEBER 23. The Children’s hospital in our town is a joke to get into. So until then it’s trying to find patience with his lack of words, not being able to understand what he wants and trying to get through the meltdowns from lack of communication.

So for the time being, I’ll be physically strong, emotionally broken, jealous of families that get time together, hating the fact that my kids have to struggle. I’ll smile because I have to, pack my days with tons of routine to ward off melt downs, and physically exhaust myself in the hopes of being too tired to deal with my emotions.

Maybe tomorrow, or in a week, or in a year I’ll feel different.

Thank you — March 24, 2015

Thank you

Please and Thank you are my two ALWAYS words. And it seems like people, not just my toddlers, forget the power that they have in all situations.

I’m sweeping the porch thinking about how giving thanks sometimes feels like it HAS to be said, even for things that should be givens. Like thanking someone for participating in something that they should be participating in. So the question pops into my head- when did it become a habit of thanking or praising everyone for every little thing. And when should I be thanking or praising and I don’t.

Should I be thanking the people in my house for participating being part of family chores? Should I be praising my children when they are asked to perform a task and they do it without a fight? Aren’t these things that should “just happen”? Like, shouldn’t the conversation go something like this:

Me: “Time to pick up your room”
Kids: “Okay” or throw a fit or whatever, and then it gets picked up
and we move on to our next event

No, we have to have a party for every….little…..tiny….thing. And it sometimes drives me crazy.

I am all for parties when we have tackled a new something, when something that is harder than hard just happens. But should that be for all chores, and expectations? I don’t know. Positive reinforcement is a great tool, but when is too much too much.

I don’t get thanked sometimes for days for the things that “I am just supposed to do”. (Lets be real, that would be everything I do every day because Stay at home parents only receive the thanks of the people in their households and fall into being expected to perform all house chores as part of their job).

And I still find myself thanking people for everything. Honestly it’s in the hopes that they will continue to thank others for the things that they do, even when the thing isn’t huge. Some days being thanked for getting Leo a glass of milk is all I need to change how poopy the day has been.

The parties for goal achievement are going to continue, the thanks for general help too. One day it’ll all make sense- right? 😉