Dyer Family Happenings

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Peace, love and being a momma — September 22, 2016

Peace, love and being a momma

Today is International Peace Day. A day to spread peace and love speak and actions with everyone you meet. To show this world that we can and will not only conquer the rough stuff of life with love and smiles but that TOGETHER as a people we are better. Think about it, all of the beautifully amazing different things we all bring to the table. Thoughts, ways to worship, food, clothing, music, it’s amazing and beautiful.

And I don’t know why people are so scared of the things they don’t understand.

Embracing the things I don’t understand is just part of our world. Or rather has been for the past 5.5 years. There were things I didn’t understand before but I’d either learn about them or scootch around them, I was in control  of what I slammed face first into. And then Joel came into my world. He was new and I didn’t totally understand him and then we got married and I still didn’t have him totally figured out but I was much more comfortable with him. And then came Leo and the same, and then Max and holy Lord.

And just when I thought I was starting to understand Leo, bam- he regressed and was diagnosed with Autism. Same thing with Max. God has not let me live in comfort with these kids yet, and guess what…

I AM OKAY.

woah, wait a minute what. Yeah. Even in the moments, days, weeks, of uncertainty and confusion I am okay. Go figure that one. Even when I am not sure how to handle a behavior, how to make words come, how to keep health insurance, how to make a living, how to get from one place to the next in the correct time, I am okay. Why? Because I have faith. (Yes I have faith in God but He’s not who I am specifically talking about right now)

I have faith in the people around me. Family, friends, teachers, strangers. I have faith that there will be listening and love and understanding. That there will be hugs and tears and smiles and celebrations. Because that faith is what keeps the love moving from one person to the next. It’s what keeps me waking up every morning and wanting to push forward and through to that next hurdle. Because I know that there will always be someone with a kind or helpful word that will help get us over it. Because loving is learning.

So lets keep moving the love forward, even in the simplest of ways to one another. Have faith in your fellow man even when you might not understand his or her lifestyle choice, religion, choice of shoes. Because those things aren’t as important as being better together, and being together as people trying to live and love.

Wishing you all a peace filled evening and life

 

 

 

If you’re interested.. here’s who I am — February 26, 2016

If you’re interested.. here’s who I am

Coming off of a heated discussion last night on facebook where a debate was started over something I posted, that was not intended for debate and then being told if I don’t want people to express their opinions on my facebook page I should censor myself I thought I’d share with the world who I am, what I’m about and why you can take a hike if you’re just here to cause problems.

I believe in God. I strive to live like Jesus. To teach and to lead and to love without judgement, because it’s not my place. My place is to show love, be love and to be thankful. To be faithful in learning Gods word, in being a walking image of his word and of practicing what I preach to EVERY person I meet. I believe we are all amazingly broken people that are really good underneath what we fight every day. We all sin. Period.

I’m liberal, socially I am very very liberal. I believe in taking care of one another. I believe that sometimes people need help and to help them rise they need a boost both emotionally and financially. Hatred is not something I choose to practice in my world. I choose to lead with love, I choose to listen. I choose to show the world that you don’t have to be angry and loud and full of hatred to make a point. But if you push me too far I’m a cannon, especially with things I’m passionate about.  I do not start debates or drama on other peoples social media pages or sites. If someone asks a question of others I may choose to answer but I do not troll or poke just to troll or poke. It’s rude.

I believe in manners, please and thank you. I believe in spankings and soap in the mouth and giant bear hugs and snuggles. I believe in loving until it hurts and crying until you can’t see. I have faith in Doctors and medicine and vaccines and holistic approaches. I believe in growing your own food and supporting all stores, because local isn’t just the store it’s the people who work in it. I believe in recycling- things and water. I believe in the public school system, my ability to navigate it and that our teachers need to be shown more respect and love- they are helping to shape the men and women that will take care of this country when I’m old. What a job.

I married for love and I’m more in love with my husband every time we push together through a rough patch. I believe that my children are amazing and will change the world, they already have. I believe that music can fix just about anything and a smile can be the best medicine for almost any situation. I don’t mind getting dirty or learning how to build. I love working on cars and learning about science.

I am more reserved than I used to be. Listening is much more interesting. I think about everything at least 5 million times before I make a decision. I like charts and check lists. I have anxiety and ocd issues that I fight every single day. I drink too much coffee. I was a medical biller for the better part of a decade and understand wayyyyyy more about health insurance, payers, doctors fees, contracted rates and fighting for money that you are owed than the majority of the general public.

But more than anything else I treat people with respect. I do not attack their beliefs, their physical appearance or their religious or political views. I don’t choose to make every situation a platform for what I believe in, but I share my heart. If these are things that offend you, you feel I need to be “schooled” on or you’d like to start a debate with me on something I’m pretty well versed in, just don’t. Because social media is not the place to have a word battle. You want to get coffee and talk, I can try to make that happen. But here, no.

 

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Seasons of change, not just summer to fall — October 26, 2015

Seasons of change, not just summer to fall

California is finally getting the memo that it is in fact autumn. It’s still a smidge confused but the brisk mornings are a nice way to start days. But weather and month changes aren’t the only things that are changing around here. Surprise surprise. (One day all I’ll write is- everyone is alive and nothing has changed and that might come in about 35 years….)

Leo is still majorly rocking preschool. His questions, conversations and general talking is loud and never ending but I love it. Even when it’s 5am and I don’t feel well. He tells us when he’s excited and happy and angry and sad, but never when he’s tired. 🙂 admitting that at 4 would for sure be the end of the world. Wednesday we have his first Parent Teacher conference. I can’t wait to hear all about how he’s doing. With all of the advances he’s making, regulating (stimming) has become more pronounced. You can tell it’s totally involuntary movements and it’s amazing how it helps him get his words out when he’s excited or calm him when he’s upset. I’m proud of him. He’s understanding his own body and that is HUGE.

Max is talking up a storm. His fits are more appropriate to being 2 or tired or a boy that just wants to throw pumpkins. His therapy is changing totally. We are actually backing out of ABA and he will be having more focused therapy to work more on speech and O.T. for some super testy sensory issues. I get one on one time with him to talk and read and sing and play with playdough. I love it. I’m proud of how he wants to be a big boy. He wants to go to school with Leo. Wednesdays are library day and he just loves it. It’s slowly coming together for our boys.

Last Wednesday was a hard day. Max spiked a fever and had a seizure. It was definitely the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. He was purple from not breathing, he was unconscious for way too long and when he finally came too, he wasn’t Max. It was like the sparkle in his eyes was gone. It freaked me out. I just wanted, no I needed him to say “momma”. If he said that somehow I thought it would all be okay. He slept most of Wednesday after we got home from the hospital. And Thursday morning it was like watching a miracle unfold.

He woke up, happy camper style, walked into the living room and started talking. 2-3 word sentences. Words he’d never said before. Rewind to Wednesday night when my husband asked me very honestly “when enough is enough for our boys”. They have had so many hurdles already and we just need them to be able to be. I feel like God hear him. This was his way of saying, lemme show you that things are going to be okay.

We had already made the decision to pull him from ABA, but his communication becoming so much better since Thursday made it easier for me to confidently remove him from ABA services this morning. Because I felt God saying, you’ve got this because I’ve got you. And I am so thankful. I am thankful for what ABA did to help our boys, I am thankful for my husbands teamwork with raising our children, I am thankful for the tutors that are more like family and I am thankful that when it feels like we can’t handle another thing that God tells me, I got this. Because you put your faith in me.

I know there are lots of people that don’t believe or are skeptics about faith, but I’ve gotta tell you in my shoes it’s a real deal.

Now I’m looking forward to the next season and what it will bring to my family.

Lets talk regression — September 14, 2015

Lets talk regression

Hindsight is 20/20 right. Totally is when you’re oldest child is diagnosed ASD and when you are asked if you saw a regression, you rack your brain and yup- at 2 1/2 years old there it was. Sensory overload constantly, not gaining words and phrases, saying the same phrases over and over and over and over, only knowing how to communicate via labeling.(dog, cat, momma, milk)
I keep being given weird looks and told basically that I’m off my rocker that it is again happening, at the exact same age, with Max. But today it all became very very clear at an in home ABA session. He became totally overloaded, he shut down, he started screaming and crying and shaking. If you touch him he says ouch over and over and over. This just started. He is 3 days away from being 2 1/2. He is very very slowly gaining words but it’s a fight.
And I get it. I’d be super pissed off too if I couldn’t tell you what my brain is saying. He’s smart, we are so very fortunate that both of our boys are, but he can’t get what is in his head to come out. He can’t tell me what he needs. He can’t say that he’s tired, or that his teeth hurt, or that his tummy hurts. That he can’t focus, or that he just needs a break. And at this exact age, neither could Leo.
Leo would yell. He would cry, he would ball up and rock, he would cover his ears, he would run to a safe place.
Max screams and cries, he throws things and shakes. He answers no to every question and then he burritos himself in a blanket and depending on the amount of time this has all taken he passes out.
His tutor gave me some things to try to calm him down, but we both agree that the “ouch” screaming comes because he flies into sensory overload, so even the lightest touch hurts. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must be like. To not be able to appropriately vocalize what you need, then to get so frustrated all you can do is scream, then not be able to be consoled because it physically hurts. I can’t imagine. And this is happening multiple times a day just about every day.
So I have to check myself. Remind myself that he can’t help it. That he can’t regulate, that I’m going to have to sit and rock him and sing to him and tell him it’s all okay just like I did with his brother. That we are going to have to push everyone to be more patient and take his therapy that much more seriously because I am terrified that he’s not just the super cute kid with a major speech delay. Because I don’t want this to be his normal or forever or even right now.
So here I am again praying for the strength to push through this, for the patience to open my mind and my heart to whatever God has in store for Max and our family. That Max knows that I love him and it doesn’t matter what he needs I’m going to try my hardest to give it to him.
But I’m not crazy. For better or for worse I am so very in tune to my children.

Faith, love and lowering expectations — July 11, 2015

Faith, love and lowering expectations

Every morning the boys and I say a prayer out loud together:

“Heavenly Father thank you for this beautiful day for learning and for love. In Jesus’ name, Amen”

That’s it. My hope is that the boys will realize that the world doesn’t revolve around them. That there are other hands that make things happen and that we need to not just BE thankful for those hands but we need to TELL those hands we are thankful for them. In toddler world I have no clue if it resonates but we are gonna keep saying it every day.

There have been giant leaps in our household- Leo swimming without a vest or floaties, Max using 2 word sentences more and more, Leo can (in his own almost legible way) write his name without hand over hand help or a drawn guide, Max is growing (I’m pretty sure his feet grew two sizes over night), Leo is mastering sight words (reading here we come!!!!) and Max is conquering his fear of swimming pools.

At the same time we have had some ugly stuff- Leo overhead throwing a chair at school, Max having a full blown screaming/ stiff body meltdown because he needed to finish a task before he got his blanket back, not eating, throwing, hitting, screaming, pinching, ugly words.

My guess is that all parents have these issues with their toddlers. Always pushing boundaries, my hope is that they don’t have them to the extreme we have them here, I don’t wish that on anyone.

I joke(but I’m really serious) that I could do physical labor all day everyday and I’d be tired but Id pull through it, but the emotional drain of dealing with behaviors from my kids wipes me out. It drains every bit of strength, every bit of positivity, every bit of patience I have. And I really need to work on that.

The good days make me excited for the possibility of new growth and learning and the horrific moments knock me down. I feel like I start to expect too much from my kids and then I am let down when they aren’t up to my expectations and that is so wrong on my part. Yes, I need to have expectations of them, and yes they should be just outside of their reach and comfort zone, but I should not be placing 7 year old expectations on my 4 year old and I feel like that’s what I do when he fails. And when he fails he is crushed and his world ends. You can see it across his face. He is just like his mommy with wearing his emotions out in the open so everyone knows.

In these moments I am learning to back off, to lower my expectations to attainable things and to love my children. More importantly to make sure I TELL them I love them. They need to hear those words out of my mouth more. They need to know that I love them, even after awful behavior, they need to hear that I love them even when they act out in ways that embarrass me and break me down, and hurt my heart. They need to know that I will love them as I teach them these things are not okay, that they will happen but that we can find a better way to tackle the situation. That it doesn’t matter what happens my love for them is for always.

And I don’t TELL them this enough. Because I’m embarrassed. Because my heart hurts. Because I am emotionally drained. Because …. because nothing.

1Peter 4:8 “Above all, love each other deeply,1 because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

“Heavenly Father thank you for this beautiful day for learning and for love. In Jesus’ name, Amen”

Transitions, stimming, workload, changes and walking. Lots and lots of walking. — April 23, 2015

Transitions, stimming, workload, changes and walking. Lots and lots of walking.

Those words pretty much sum up life around here as of late.
I walk, every single day. At least a mile. My body is changing in a great way, I feel better and have lessened my stress. I am also now a month off of my migraine meds and 7 months off of blood pressure meds. I think sunshine and movement are cure-alls for me 🙂

Tomorrow is our first official IEP for Leo and the transition from a Special Ed preschool class to an inclusion preschool class. I don’t have an idea what we are in for. I do know that we all seem to be on the same page and I am hopeful that everything is going to transition smoothly. Prayers are always welcome. 🙂

Max starts ABA 5 mornings a week the beginning of May. I am very hopeful for progress with his communication and behaviors. Again, Prayers very welcome.
With these changes I have to give up my Life Group that I am part of through church for the foreseeable future. Although I did suggest Skyping me into the study 🙂 I know this is again a season of life and change that will not be forever but feels kinda long.

Leos stimming, Maxs lack of words and general stuff around here has been on overdrive. I have made the decision that what gets done (house work wise) gets done. What doesn’t, well that can just wait until tomorrow. Things seem to get done more effortlessly, still not totally sure how that happens, but it does!

I wish I had more to say. I’ll get it together better after tomorrows meeting.
Until then Peace and love 🙂

Unreasonable expectations — February 20, 2015

Unreasonable expectations

I have them.
Daily.
I have them for myself, for my husband, for my children and even for my dog.
The funny thing is that I know in my brain that what I think should happen is ridiculous but for some reason my heart still wants them.
Logically:

the dog is going to bark at our mail lady- even though it’s been (just about) the same person, at just about the same time 6 days a week for 3 1/2 years.

Joel is going to be exhausted after work and I try to keep his “to do” list short, and focus on family time but there are days I feel like it’s not enough.

There will daily be at LEAST 2 loads of laundry. And if I slack on it for a couple of days there are then 100. So I should do it daily right?

The boys are going to want to play until they are so tired they fall over, I know this, I try to intercede and head off the massive screaming melt down of exhaustion by requesting “quiet time” in the hope of them settling down to rest. They are 4 and almost 2, they don’t care about sleep, they don’t want to sleep- they are sure they are going to miss something.

I should be further along in my weight loss. I should be able to run a 5k by now, I’ve been working at this for so long- why am I still in size 14 pant?

WHY do I keep getting myself worked up about these things. Why. because I feel the need to traffic direct anything I can. Because I feel like I can’t control so many things (ASD, Sensory freak outs, lack of words, screaming because we can’t talk, health issues, when the sun sets, what time Costco opens, how many people are going to cut me off taking Leo to school) that I feel like I have to have a choke hold on a few things to balance it out. And all I am doing is choking myself.

I pray daily that God calms my heart, softens me to the things that make me rigid, that he will help relax the control issues I have. Somedays he does, others he lets me fight it out.

Leo had to have an EEG Tuesday, it sucked. And I am having a hard time getting passed it.
Logic: He made it through, he did what they needed, we should have the results soon.
Emotion: I have to fully physically restrain him for the first time in a year, The tech was so gruff and told him over and over and over “he couldn’t cry and scream because of other kids at the clinic” (my thought- f the other kids dude, how about you focus on my freaked out one), I wasn’t prepared for the setting or the testing they way I wish I could have been to talk to Leo about it more, I feel like I failed him because we took 300 steps backward for a few days after having the test done.

Max has been saying more single words, and having worse and worse melt downs and tantrums when the words don’t come out. He’s also having worse gas issues. So we are trying lactaid again, tried coconut milk and he looked at me like I had lost my ever loving mind calling it “milk”. I read to him all of the time. We sit and look at one another trying to make words sounds, and it’s all just stuck, and hes mad, and I feel like I am failing him.

And none of this is logical, because we are all alive, working toward goals of understanding, breathing through uncomfortable stuffs and learning, but when the boys struggle I feel like it’s a personal reflection on me. The person that is with them just about 24 hours a day, the person that should be guiding them to daily success

UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS

How do I pull myself away from them? I celebrate successes, but why are the set backs like a gut punch?
Gotta figure this out.

For my family

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Because they deserve more than I give them. Because God saw in his plan for these amazing creatures to be part of my world, and I need to remember that my need for order doesn’t matter when it comes to the happiness of my boys.

I never wanted to be a stay at home mom. — January 25, 2015

I never wanted to be a stay at home mom.

Yup, you heard me. But I guess before I can expand on that statement I should make a few more- that one of my bestest buddies NEVER LETS ME LIVE DOWN SAYING…
I never wanted to get married or have children. I was always good to go with being Auntie Katie drinking her cocktail and smoking her cigarette and loving and spoiling kiddos.

Then I met Joel, and fell hard, then got to know him and realized this guy made me rethink the whole wanting to get married thing. Like I could actually see myself living with him forever- say what?!?! I missed him if we were apart, he didn’t disgust me when he brushed his teeth, he was (and still is) pretty easy going, and up for adventures. I was like yeah, this guy. I asked him to marry me, and a few days later he said yes LOL. I know I know.

So we were content, started a journey moved to Spokane and one day my body told me it was time to have babies. I was like- yo uterus, check yo self. I DONT WANT KIDS. But, I totally did. So we took a leap of faith and poof Leo. And then a couple of years and a miscarriage later, poof we ended up with Max.

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When we moved back to California Leo was about 3 months old. We had to get settled in a house and get Joel back to work, and when he was 7 months old I went back to work part time. It was a nice mix- I got to hang out with my lil monkey guy and be productive in a grown up world. Then I changed jobs and went to work full time. I’m not going to lie, I was JAZZED about Leo getting to go to daycare. He’d have friends, and make crafts, he’d have holiday parties and learn songs. How exciting, and selfishly I was so excited to be bringing home a paycheck, having a reason to get schnazzed up every day and forming relationships with grown ups that I had very recently been mourning the loss of.

I lost that job about a month before Max came into the world- our company sold and I was tossed into being a full time mommy. We kept Leo in daycare for a while- he was doing so well….. and then his slide started and things changed. Max was about 3 months old when financially we had to pull Leo out of daycare. Shortly thereafter all of the testing started and we started on his journey to new ways of hearing and learning. It was a lot- a newborn and trying to shuffle him around. But I still had the desire to work. I always thought, we can get through the testing and get him into a class or school that will help him grow, I can find a job put Max in daycare and it’ll all be good.

I was dreaming.
I still dream.

I’m not going to lie. I’m 2 years into this stay at home mom job and I still don’t get it. I’m not sure if it’s different when you’re not shuttling your kids to therapies, and preparing the house daily for at home therapy, but I just don’t get it.

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Backyard fun

Don’t get me wrong- I have been BLESSED to see my kids take their first steps, say their first words, eat everything under the sun, put clothes on for the first time, blow bubbles in the bath for the first time. I am watching them grow and change. But I do feel like the world is passing me by. Like I have no way to connect to people who aren’t mommies.

I also can’t even seem to get a call back when applying for jobs. So I guess that’s a sign from God that I’m where I am suppose to be. But I still don’t totally get it.

This is not a job for the faint of heart, for the unsure, for the tenderhearted, for the tired, for the grumpy, for the perfectionist, for the holder of the O.C.D., for the foul mouthed, for the determined… or maybe it is.

It’s thankless, it is 24/7, it is all encompassing, it is repetitive, it drains everything you have in your reserves, and people choose it. CHOOSE IT. I still don’t get it. But it has chosen me. I do not believe “God never gives you more than you can handle” I believe he pushes your boundaries of comfort until you have no choice but to ask for his leadership. That struggle even in its darkest hours, when you want to throw your hands up and walk away a little something creeps in and softens that anger/hatred/mad you have at that moment. That not choosing this path but being placed on it is not happenstance, it’s not by mistake it’s because you have a gift you are not yet aware of. That you are going to meet people also on this path that are going to enrich your life, challenge your thinking, expand your heart and show you love and compassion you aren’t accustomed to being shown. It’s because it’s not about you, or me. It’s about a journey.

And while I’m on it, and I hear that women choose this I want to ask them why. Why with everything there is in this world to try to do, why would you choose this?!?!?!? And I look at my children and I know, because they are so very worth everything I could possibly offer to another human.

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So I say a prayer and thank God that my heart changed when I met my now husband, that his love made me want to build a family with him and that our beautiful children need some extra time and hands and that their needs have put me in a place I will never be comfortable with, but I know I am fully needed.

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I have OCD — December 12, 2014

I have OCD

It’s undiagnosed but its there. And it gets worse when I’m stressed out. BUT it is crazy helpful with certain things, like “monitoring” when Leo has a jump backward. (There is a pattern, I’m starting to recognize it)

After he was officially diagnosed with Autism I started watching. Looking for things that set of his sensory sensitivity, that overloaded him, when we took leaps backward after climbing higher and higher. We have worked very hard through a lot of his sensory issues. Sirens, coffee grinders, lawn mowers and weed whackers he can sit through most of the time. Wild Kratts and BBC dinosaur documentaries amp him up so much that I can’t calm him back down and have been “outlawed” in our house. SpongeBob squarepants (my husband put it on for him one day, that show gives me a headache) calmed him down. say what?

So after starting school, the first big set back we had was after Spring break. The child that thrives on schedule, that can’t function without it, that demands the first thing they do at school now is make a schedule, had to function on no schedule for a week. We went back to school and he went non verbal, started hitting, screaming all of the time and it wasn’t much better at home.

Then came summer break, he had mellowed out a bit and being back on schedule helped “regulate” the tantrums and outbursts, kept his words coming, and whammo. As much as I tried to make a schedule for us- it wasn’t his normal school schedule and we fell back again. School starts, we are okay.

So breaks are the hardest. And I try to explain to him that breaks are good. But he doesn’t understand. Thanksgiving we had 5 days straight off and it’s been a fight ever since. Pair that with music, lights, shiny and Christmas everywhere. So he’s licking his hands, chewing on his fingers, biting, screaming, not listening, hitting, throwing and generally off. And I don’t always handle it well. I try to stay calm, have him look at me and talk it out, but when it’s the 80th time saying we don’t jump on the couch or hit our brother or scream or throw, I end up yelling. And I know that sets it back even more.

It drives me nuts that something that is normal, that we do everyday some days is too much, or something he can’t handle, or that he just totally shuts down and I can’t get through to him. I can’t understand it. No matter how I try to place it in a pattern or watch for what leads up to it.

I know we are going to have ups and downs, sometimes the downs just kick you in the gut.

So prayers to get through this season in one piece would be greatly appreciated.

Break? Who gets a break? — December 10, 2014

Break? Who gets a break?

No one tells you when you first become a stay at home mom that the work you did, and were paid for, is NOTHING in comparison to the work you will be doing at home. That the work at home is never ending, lacking thanks, expected, demanded, 24 hours a day 365 days a year. There is no lunch break or vacation time. That trips to target alone become the most amazing part of your month and that when you leave for an hour and a half you will come home to a disaster and your mild relaxation you just achieved will be squashed the minute you walk in the door. That every morning, even if you try your hardest to have the house picked up the night before there will be dishes in the sink, there will be toys randomly stuck places and a mountain of laundry that you know you tackled all of just the day before. Your mind never turns off, sleep isn’t restful and holiday stress adds to it all. There is always something that needs to be done, someone that needs something or to be taken somewhere. A meal to be cook, cookies to be made, therapy to be ready for, school to get to on time and appointments to fight for. Always something.

2 1/2 weeks ago we headed off to the Pediatricians office for referrals for the boys- none of which have been handled yet. Last Friday I had to take Leo to the E.R. for tummy issues- they ran tests, all of which came back fine there are no infections, his blood counts and iron look fine. But something is wrong. And until we get a damn referral from the doctor the G.I. Specialist scheduler won’t even talk to me. So now he won’t poop, at least he won’t poop in the toilet. He will poop in his pants. GIANT potty training step backward. And frustrating and gross, but I get it, I’d be pretty potty shy after having strangers look at my butt too.

Max is trying to communicate, so very hard but it’s just not happening as fast as he’d like it to. So he throw fits. Epic meltdowns. With a scream that could break glass and gives me an instant migraine. But I don’t always know what he needs. Pair that with his not wanting to sleep unless his daddy is holding him. Yeah so daddy works, and Max needs a nap during the day, but refuses to take them because daddy isn’t here to hold him. I’m not good enough to rock him to sleep so the screaming starts and almost doesn’t end. And it gives me a migraine almost instantly.

I’ve said it before and I totally mean it, I get so mad when I’m talking and my words aren’t understood so I get where both of the boys get their anger with lack of communication, but damnit. I read to them, I sing to them, we talk, we walk and talk. But it’s not working, and I don’t know how to fix it. Got a call from Max’s advocate at the regional center (the place that is suppose to get us started on speech therapy and motor skill issues for him) yesterday. The gal was very nice, but she was the 4th person I’ve told that Leo is also a client of theirs and she is the 4th person that has told me that they like to keep siblings with the same advocate and someone would call me back. Sigh. Broken communication from the place that is suppose to be teaching my children to communicate. Maybe that’s part of the problem.

I have overloaded myself with projects, as per usual and all I really want to do is cross stitch and drink coffee. Cross stitching relaxes me. I love the repetitive motion. I love how pretty the thread looks against the background, and how at first it looks like an abstract piece of art but by the end is something so beautiful. But I can’t. I have that mountain of laundry to tackle, presents to finish and wrap, cookies to bake, dinner to fix, appointments to take people to, therapy to prepare for, and a house to clean.

But there will be a day where I can. And when I can I’ll thank God for the break that I am so desperately in search of now.