It used to make me cringe, make me so upset. I’ve connected with your children so why wouldn’t I understand. But that phrase is so very true. There should also be one for parents of just girls/ boys, parents with now teenagers, parents that forget that some of us are walking in these parent shoes for the first time.
When talking to parents of older kiddos, things have changed so much since their kids were toddlers.
School requirements, health “suggestions”, medical terminology, parent involvement. Now, I am not totally sure that some of this is because of the boat we row with the boys and delays and more pressure from therapists and doctors and school districts, but it’s my observation.
There are however a few things that are not fact, no matter how they are stated to me.
- Leo is not going to grow out of his Autism
- Max is not just quiet
- My children aren’t “just normal toddlers” (I wish they were just normal)
- I am not a helicopter mom
- I literally cannot accept help during certain hours of the day, due to therapy being at home.
- My child will not, at 4 years old, ride a bus to school
- Helping others with kids does not make you a parent
I can’t count the times things like these rack my brain. How could someone say something like that to me, how can you think that letting phrases like this out of your mouth aren’t hurtful. Because they are. In this season of life, it’s rough, it’s exhausting, it is what it is and we will get through it.
Sometimes, before letting phrases that can hurt escape your mouth remember that you aren’t a parent, or you haven’t parented toddlers in a long time, that you once went through all of this for the first time, that you were very blessed to have children that didn’t need extra hands, that just letting someone in a very busy and dark time know that you love them is enough.
One that really gets me is, “we’re all a little autistic.” No…we’re not, actually, and I think that statement takes away from the challenges that actual autistic people face. I get what they’re trying to say…we all have autistic traits…but that’s not the same as being autistic. Anyway, I disagree with you on one point (although I know what you mean). Your children ARE normal toddlers but normal for them is just different. In our house we try to stay away from the word “normal” anyway and prefer “typical” or “neurotypical” because what is “normal” anyway.
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Totally Bria. We have our own normal here. Its people outside of these four walls that like to tell me he’s like all other “normal” kids. It drives me crazy. I’d love for him to be “normal” and in preschool. So its like taking a gut punch sometimes.
I know you understand .
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I hear it too. When people tell me that E “seems normal” I tell them that it’s because IS normal (tyvm!) but just because he is behaving well and not overstimulated at that moment doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have his extreme difficulties in other situations. We’re at the point where things are mostly unchallenging outside of school (but we still have our moments) but AT school is a whole different ballgame. He is overstimulated, sensitive to change, easily distracted, disruptive, etc. We’ve been told that a school with a special unit for autistic kids would be better for him next year (as in the 2016-17 school year) and will start searching for one when school starts again. But he “seems normal.” Okie dokie.
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Katie, Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I always love reading what you write. I hope that you pat yourself on the back for the amazing mom/advocate you are for your little boys. I wanted to say that your energy impresses me. However, I am sure there are times that you just want to go sit in a corner, suck your thumb (ok, maybe not that), and cry, cry, cry – because you are SO tired, and SO frustrated – and you don’t see light at the end of this tunnel. But, then, one of your little ones does something you never thought you’d see them do – and you are encouraged, once again, to come out of the corner and rejoice. Love you, friend!
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The one I hate is “Oh, you can’t even tell something is wrong with him!” It drives me up the wall because they THINK they are saying something nice and they don’t realize that they are being offensive. I then have to educate them to the fact that autism doesn’t look a certain way and then inform them about what it actually is…sigh….It’s difficult sometimes.
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