Something I’ve noticed with the “quirks” of Leo’s autism, is that there is always a purpose behind his words or actions. If he has ugly words or slaps or screams- he’s (most of the time) on sensory overload. He’s answers to questions are thought out. If he doesn’t understands he repeats the question. His toy playing is always precise and focused. There isn’t any “tra-la-la” about him. (Max, that kid is a whole different ballgame 🙂 )
A couple of months ago I shifted my thoughts and actions to have purpose. To try to cut fanciful thoughts of this and that and to put things into action- in a very intentional way. Sounds pretty boring right? Well, I’m not a frills and glitz gal (anymore). I’m just trying to figure out how to make it through each day:
1. without flying off the handle
2. without feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders
3. without crying
4. without yelling
5. without understanding what our short term and long term goals are as people
It started with walking. I have now walked- with purpose (for exercise) at least a mile a day for 50 days straight (today will be 51). The purpose- making me healthy. The changes I’ve made in health have ridded me of blood pressure medication, migraine medication and mood elevators. I take a multi vitamin. That. is. it. I need to be physically healthy to run after my kids, to be able to process all of the information that is consistently being thrown my direction and to rid myself of anger. I am the healthiest- not just weight wise- I’ve pretty much ever been. And I love my new body.
My purpose with people has always been to love and accept, even when its hard, even when I’d rather walk away. Why? Because there isn’t enough “just because” love in this world. Some things don’t need a “because”. They just need love. I’ve always been of the frame of mind that you love, love until it hurts, love because it hurts, love when it hurts, love when its awesome, to make sure the people around you know that they are loved.
I was shown so very much love this past week by having an amazing woman go above and beyond for my family. She secured Leo’s spot in the school he needs to be in next year. She didn’t have to, but her heart and the way she loves is something so rare. Thank you isn’t a big enough pair of words, but it’s all I have for her. That and to continue to learn and to advocate for my children to ensure their success in life. And to love, to love my kids, their teachers, even the people that make decisions that might not be the best for our needs. I’m gonna love them all- until it hurts. Until they understand my heart and that I am not a quitter.
On the flip side I was shown some very ugly this past week too. Our family are W.I.C. recipients. It’s something I am so very grateful for, and again when I thank our case worker we see every 3 months those words don’t feel like they are big enough. It’s hard having to ask for help. It’s harder having to present coupons for food at a store. But I would do anything I needed to for my children. I was publically shamed by a cashier at Target Friday. She questioned if the coupons were actually mine- twice. I answered yes and then asked if she needed to see my drivers license. She huffed and puffed when I had coupons for my WIC items (which the WIC office supports, if couponing is your thing), she had a horrible attitude toward me the entire transaction. I kept my attitude in check. I was polite- I even offered her my pen when she didn’t have one to fill out the totals on my WIC checks. Why? Because she needs to know that that kind of behavior is unacceptable. Because if I show love, and live love hopefully it will catch on like wildfire.
So my purpose, good bad or otherwise will always be to love. Love people and changes, and situations. And to remember that I too am loved not only for my purpose but for who I am becoming.