No one tells you when you first become a stay at home mom that the work you did, and were paid for, is NOTHING in comparison to the work you will be doing at home. That the work at home is never ending, lacking thanks, expected, demanded, 24 hours a day 365 days a year. There is no lunch break or vacation time. That trips to target alone become the most amazing part of your month and that when you leave for an hour and a half you will come home to a disaster and your mild relaxation you just achieved will be squashed the minute you walk in the door. That every morning, even if you try your hardest to have the house picked up the night before there will be dishes in the sink, there will be toys randomly stuck places and a mountain of laundry that you know you tackled all of just the day before. Your mind never turns off, sleep isn’t restful and holiday stress adds to it all. There is always something that needs to be done, someone that needs something or to be taken somewhere. A meal to be cook, cookies to be made, therapy to be ready for, school to get to on time and appointments to fight for. Always something.

2 1/2 weeks ago we headed off to the Pediatricians office for referrals for the boys- none of which have been handled yet. Last Friday I had to take Leo to the E.R. for tummy issues- they ran tests, all of which came back fine there are no infections, his blood counts and iron look fine. But something is wrong. And until we get a damn referral from the doctor the G.I. Specialist scheduler won’t even talk to me. So now he won’t poop, at least he won’t poop in the toilet. He will poop in his pants. GIANT potty training step backward. And frustrating and gross, but I get it, I’d be pretty potty shy after having strangers look at my butt too.

Max is trying to communicate, so very hard but it’s just not happening as fast as he’d like it to. So he throw fits. Epic meltdowns. With a scream that could break glass and gives me an instant migraine. But I don’t always know what he needs. Pair that with his not wanting to sleep unless his daddy is holding him. Yeah so daddy works, and Max needs a nap during the day, but refuses to take them because daddy isn’t here to hold him. I’m not good enough to rock him to sleep so the screaming starts and almost doesn’t end. And it gives me a migraine almost instantly.

I’ve said it before and I totally mean it, I get so mad when I’m talking and my words aren’t understood so I get where both of the boys get their anger with lack of communication, but damnit. I read to them, I sing to them, we talk, we walk and talk. But it’s not working, and I don’t know how to fix it. Got a call from Max’s advocate at the regional center (the place that is suppose to get us started on speech therapy and motor skill issues for him) yesterday. The gal was very nice, but she was the 4th person I’ve told that Leo is also a client of theirs and she is the 4th person that has told me that they like to keep siblings with the same advocate and someone would call me back. Sigh. Broken communication from the place that is suppose to be teaching my children to communicate. Maybe that’s part of the problem.

I have overloaded myself with projects, as per usual and all I really want to do is cross stitch and drink coffee. Cross stitching relaxes me. I love the repetitive motion. I love how pretty the thread looks against the background, and how at first it looks like an abstract piece of art but by the end is something so beautiful. But I can’t. I have that mountain of laundry to tackle, presents to finish and wrap, cookies to bake, dinner to fix, appointments to take people to, therapy to prepare for, and a house to clean.

But there will be a day where I can. And when I can I’ll thank God for the break that I am so desperately in search of now.

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