Max is 20 months and now 3 days old.

He tested at 21 months for gross motor skills- the nurse said you can tell he has a big brother to run after, 18 months for fine motor skills, 13 months for receptive language and 11 months for expressive language. He also failed his mChat Autism screen.

What this all means. He is developmentally delayed pretty much across the board.  I knew his language was behind but I didn’t think by this much. It does become more apparent when I see friends kiddos that are the same age and hear what they are saying and realize that Max isn’t even close to matching 50% of their words. The mChat screening isn’t just the child is not meeting these milestones, but the lack of certain “normal” characteristics. There are 20 questions, 5 of which are “crticial” (put the risk factor up high) anything over 3 answers missed out of the twenty- or any two missed in the critical category scores your child as having a risk for being diagnosed at age 3. Max missed 9 total.

The Providers that evaluated him yesterday said they think with early intervention he will hopefully pull his scores up. That it seems like he has more words than we with he does- they are all just sounding the same right now, that maybe with finding his words his aggression and head hitting and screaming will relax and we can see if there is actual concern. His eye contact is good, he seems to understand things some of the time and can follow a simple command every so often.

So now we wait to be assigned an advocate- they are going to try to get him in with Leos so I am only having to have one contact person. And we wait to be placed into a place for therapy.

So I promised I was going to be honest right? Here goes. (I want to preface this entire next section by saying that I am fully aware that my boys are two different beings, that their journeys in life are different but there are some similarities in them right now that shake my core)

Max is almost at the age that Leo regressed. I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back there was a definite marker for stopped progression in his everything. When  Leo was Maxs age he had eye contact, he had lots of labeling words, he was sweet (still is) his tantrums seemed appropriate for where he was at and what he was doing. Then everything stopped. He lost his eye contact, he stopped gaining words and started making more sounds. Things that he was fine with made him have a full body melt down. he couldn’t function around other kids. We went trough his evaluation-( he was about 26 months old when we found out he couldn’t hear, then eval then tubes). and the same things were said- he’s smart, he failed his mChat,  once his tubes are settled and he can hear with some speech therapy we should be able to bring him above all of his deficits. And he gained words. And when the words came so did other things I wasn’t expecting.

Then came the sensory issues- that he couldn’t tell me what was wrong but he couldn’t and still sometimes can’t function in certain situations. I have had to restrain him more times that I would like to talk about, physically to stop him from throwing himself or something at another person. There are stores we just don’t go to because I can’t handle both of them having a melt down. Leo is strong, and with that when the melt down comes and I have things thrown at me, or I’m being hit, or trying to pick him up it trashes my body. He is 54lbs of tank child, add in flailing and punching and it feels like 400.

Most people don’t see this side of him, because I keep a tight reign on him when we are out or we pretty much only go places I know we can have a chat if we need to and it won’t go into fully hysterics. So what if these same things happen with Max?

How in the world is there enough time to get them where they need to be, to get them both the help they need, to find the places he will feel comfortable, then try to get them both to be comfortable in one anothers comfy places so we can leave the house. How am I going to deal with the looks and the comments from people that don’t understand when they are BOTH having a rough time. How am I going to be able to make them both know how special they are, how it’s okay and we will work hard but sometimes Mommy is going to cry, that sometimes Mommy isn’t going to handle things the right way. That sometimes Mommy isn’t going to know how to help them. How?

I am scared